Turning Back ________________________________I’ve been in a white room for too long, to distinguish darkness, from light. Everything is either too dark, or too light, which is why I would prefer to stay blind. Yes, I know I need my eyes sight, I need my eyes to see where and what I’m to do with myself, to see into my future. But what if I want to stay in my past? I know that I went far from the line of insanity upon the death of my sister, however…I didn’t think I was going to go so off the wall to be placed into an asylum. Not like I’m going to stay here all my life…It’s All Over________________________________Cale was a mere five year old when his older sister, Nina, was killed. What sent him to spiral down into what he is today…was the fact that…he was the one that killed her.
It was a spring day, the flowers bellowing in the soft wind as Nina, 13, took Cale out into the back yard. She didn’t want him in the house while her mother and father had one of they’re daily fights. It wasn’t a healthy environment for either of them. Cale only a five year old, Nina knowing the ins and outs of a hard life in a very young age, and she did her best to cope with it. The wind was tangible, and softly brushed Cale’s short black hair back away from his equally soft light-blue eyes. The little boy stared at a butterfly that snuck into the backyard of they’re home. It was a mere small collage out in the borough of Queens, New York. It wasn’t oh-so great, but it would have to do for the small family of four. Nina set Cale in the sand box, and smiled softly to him. Her soft blond hair being whisked off by the wind as she stood up straight and looked back to the home behind her. How she hated her parents for they’re constant bickering for the little things. They had a habit of throwing things out of proportion. She sat down on the ground besides the sand box in which her brother played in, by digging up the sand a bit, Nina twirled a blade of grass in her hands as she tried to determine what to do now.
Cale happily played in the sand box, digging into whatever he thought he’d get to, maybe even China. It was odd how kids thought they could get through China by digging far enough into the ground. Suddenly his hand came up to a cold, very cold metal item. As Nina kept along her thoughts, Cale picked up the cold item into his hands, and tilted his head to the side. He didn’t know what it was. Then again…why would a five year old know a gun? Yes, a gun....the cold item was a gun that seemed to be owned by they’re dear father, who hid it in a stupid….very stupid spot. Just goes to show how smart he was.
“Nina…what this?” Cale asked softly, his voice soft and child-like of course as he turned his baby blue gaze to Nina. She took time to look at him, thinking he found an oddly shaped rock or what not. She had her eyes on the door, seeming the violence started early. It was then she looked to her brother messing with the gun in his hands, and her eyes widened. “Cale No!” She shouted, but…that was her mistake. The little five year old already had his hands on the trigger when she shouted, and startled him, the gun that was loaded, fired onto Nina’s shoulder, hitting her artery. “Nina…” Cale spoke softly, scared, crying now. He dropped the gun, and crawled out of the sand box, to his sister who now laid on the grass, holding her shoulder, trying to stop the blood. Didn’t the parents hear the gun?
Cale cried, as he went to her side, a soft smile on her lips, shaking her head. “No, Cale….don’t cry…you didn’t know….your too young to know….shhh…” she wiped his tears, her mother rushing out the door, as she looked to her daughter on the ground, seeing the gun at the sand box. Liz turned and punched, repeatedly, her fists against her husbands chest, crying before she turned and ran to Nina, pulling out a cell from her pocket. Ruth, the father, stood watching, crying silently, but watching. He didn’t really care, but he couldn’t help his tears much. Cale kept by his sister, his already reddened eyes from crying. He felt like it was his fault,…he couldn’t help it.
The ambulance came, taking Nina away, Cale having to stay home, curled up on the couch as the officers questioned Ruth about the gun. Liz sat by Cale, gently coaxing him to calm down. “Shh…it’s not your fault sweetie, you didn’t know…” she seemed to whimper, tears softly coming down her own bright blue eyes before she glared at Ruth in the kitchen.
7:00pm that night, Nina couldn’t be saved. The bullet had lodged itself to deep for doctors to pull it out. Ruth was charged with illegally having a gun, and keeping it at children’s reach. Liz felt like everything crashed…and Cale…cracked.
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I cried so much…I didn’t…Actually couldn’t believe I was so stupid. Yes, I know…I’m five, and yet I know so much, but…not about a gun….Even if my mother tells me its not my fault, Even if the world tries to prove it to me. It‘s my fault Nina…my sweet sister…died…it‘s my fault….and I shall punish myself for it….however long it deems, I will punish myself. For what I did was a sin…and mommy don‘t like it when I do bad….
Nina‘s funeral….was what it was…depressing….I‘m young, yet…it hurts to see her so life-less in that precious white coffin…I wasn‘t sure how mommy got the money to pay for something like that…it looked pretty….and things that looked pretty usually went for a lot of the green paper I saw mommy holding once in a while in the shops. Nina had taught me that the green paper, that we needed to live, and to buy things for the house…It was scary to know that the world was runned by that little piece of green paper.. …and that without it, there was no chance of a life….
I cried a lot…they didn‘t let daddy come to the funeral…but I don‘t think he wanted to come…he wouldn‘t want to see sister like this…no, I doubt even he cares….but what am I saying….it‘s my fault she‘s there….I‘m the stupid one…I should be in the cage daddy is in…....
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Since that day, Cale….can’t be called completely sane, but he still had a stable mind to think on. His mother, Liz worked two jobs just to maintain the house, little six year old Cale was a abnormal child in school. He kept to himself, did his best in the classes, and made sure he didn’t do anything wrong. Even so, this little one didn’t know how to punish himself for what he felt that was his fault. What he did was kept himself at a distance from the other children, and kept himself away from them as much as he possibly could.
It wasn’t till he hit fourth grade, that he figured out what to do with his self-punishment. Liz had no idea what went on in her sons mind. She kept her mind on her jobs, one was being a maid in a five star hotel down in the city, and the other was working in a diner. It was amazing how she kept those two jobs apart. Cale kept himself busy with watching TV, and playing chess with the baby sitter. He was nine now, seeing as time seemed to go faster, and faster. The teenager that took care of him, seemed to be spending her time around the bathroom a bit more, then playing chess.
One day, Cale peeked in to see what she was doing…and saw her with a blade to her arm. Tilting his head to the side, he wondered why she would use a knife on herself to even do something like that. Blood dripping from her wrists to the ground, and he just didn’t bare to watch, scared she might catch him. He didn’t like being scowled it at. That’s why he had the nickname from baby-sitters, and teachers as “A little angel” …he didn’t like to get in trouble, so he kept out of it.
He went back into the living room, just in time as she walked out of the bathroom with her arms covered by the long sleeve sweater she was wearing. He smiled to her…like he saw nothing, and hugged her when she came into view more. He liked this baby-sitter for the soul reason she reminded him a lot of Nina. “Hey, Fay…c’mon…let’s play a game, huh?” She said softly, her form walking to the table she had set up for them to play chess.
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I still wonder why Amy used a blade to her arm like that…wasn‘t she scared she cut to deep? I mean….maybe I should just concentrate on this game of chess before I loose…again. I still don‘t know a rook from a pawn, I swear…it‘s confusing, but I want to learn…it looks like fun when Amy and mommy play on her days off…
But I can‘t help thinking of what she did to herself….and I guess she could tell I‘m staring at her arm more then the chess board. I better cut it out before she asks me questions. I‘m a pathetic little kid, aren‘t I? I mean…I should know these things. Hey….maybe the school‘s web knows what she was doing…I learned a lot from my last visit with the class to the computer shop…maybe they‘ll know…Oi…..but then the teacher will be wondering about what I‘m reading If she comes up behind me like she did today in school…I was just wanting to know about guns…and seeing as I was old enough…maybe I should learn…she just had to worry and take me to a little kids website. I‘m nine for cists sake…I should learn about what I did to Nina…I still don‘t understand how that toy killed her….
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That night, while his mother was asleep…Cale couldn’t stop his curiosity. Slipping out from his bedroom, he wondered into the kitchen. He tilted his head to the side as he looked to the counter, and sighed slightly. He didn’t remember where Liz hid the knifes. He looked from drawer to drawer, quietly so not to wake his mother till he found what he was looking for. It wasn’t a knife, but a razor was like a knife. Sneaking back to his room, he turned on the night-light, something that hasn’t been on since his sisters, death, Cale sat at the bed, and rolled the sleeve of his pajama shirt up, and looked to the razor.
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How did she do that to herself again?…Why am I even doing this? Am I crazy?…yea maybe…(Cale sighs) Perhaps I should just put this back….but…curiosity pushes me so much, it‘s not even funny….aw to hell with it…
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The blade lightly touched his skin, however it was dug deep enough for a bit of blood to be drawn. He took a deep breath in, but…it didn’t hurt him as much.
…That…felt… his thoughts were cut short at the fact he drew the blade more on his arm. He stopped though, blinking slightly. He still didn’t understand what he was doing…but it seemed to pull his pain, and guilt away. It was then that he choose, that this was his self-punishment. He bit his bottom lip, drawing the razor more and more on his skin, thin lines resulting, bleeding ever so slightly. It wasn’t till his mother’s alarm clock rang, that he didn’t stop. He didn’t even realize he stood up all night just cutting into his skin. Quickly he threw the razor into his drawer on the night stand, and curled up under the sheets, keeping his arm hidden under the sleeve of his pajama. Cale didn’t know what he was doing to himself…and he didn’t think it was so bad.
He wasn’t groggy, or tired when his mother pushed him to get ready for school. Putting on a black long sleeve T-shirt, rippled faded blue jeans, and pair of sneakers to get going, Cale felt slightly better then he ever had been since after his sister’s death. He ate bread fast, and happily hugged his mother good bye…he felt better. Which is why…he kept the blade close to him now, just so he wouldn’t loose that better-ness he felt.
Cale wasn’t too happy that he had to hide what made him ‘happier’. But he had to…for the soul fact that his teachers worried too much, his mother worried too much, his baby sitter, and not to mention the two only friends he had, Mark, and Danni. He kept it hidden, apart, and far away from anybody’s eyes, meaning, and knowing his arms would be seen, he went to his chest, his back, anything that could be covered easily.
Now or Never________________________________I don‘t understand what I‘m doing to myself…but it makes this pain in my heart go away….slowly things seem to be getting better…however mother seems to be more and more stressed with trying to keep the house. So we moved…now where in this apartment. Two rooms…one for me, one for her…a kitchen, and everything else we needed, but it was small…cozy none-the-less….I was happy she at least seemed to stay for my 11th birthday and didn‘t go to work….
But somehow I know she‘s not working in what she wants me to believe she‘s working in. She doesn‘t realize how smart I really am for a kid my age…anyhow I won‘t ask her about it. (sighs) Amy died…people say she died naturally to me…but I know it was suicide….she spilled to little ol‘me that her boyfriend left her, and her mother called her a very *friendly* person so yea. Sitting here, and thinking about that makes me wonder…but I can‘t change the past…so I might as well concentrate on the homework I have sitting on my lap…oh the joy…how I‘m starting to hate school, everybody looking at me like I‘m some kind of freak…but perhaps I am…for the fact I‘m starting to wear black more now…..so what if I wear it? It became my favorite color…but oh well, to his, his own I guess….________________________________ Thinking more and more to himself, Cale finally had it. The ache was enough, and it build up too much. Putting down the books he had on his lap, and crossing his legs, he stretched tiredly, and got up, heading down the hall to the bedroom at the back. His cut-short black hair obscuring the view of his pale blue eyes, the way they were narrowed so emotionlessly as he walked into his room, closed the door and locked it. Wondering over to his dresser drawer, and pulling out a razor, he sat cross legged against the wall, and pulled up his shirt, staring at the ceiling as he began to go over fresh, and old cuts. He closed his eyes, as the blade slowly, softly pressed and passed over his flawless peach-colored skin. He wished he could’ve done something to stop his favorite baby-sitter from killing herself…but again he felt like it was his fault…he felt he should have been smarter and talking to her, and telling her it wasn’t the end of the world, but what would an eleven year old know? He didn’t understand that…he was confused deep inside, that rational thinking wasn’t at his reach.
Lowering the shirt over his now cut up stomach, Cale stood up, and looked around for any sigh of his blood spilt. When he was satisfied, he placed the blade away, and walked out of the room like nothing happened, his blood not showing through his blade sweater as he greeted his mother, and sat down in front of the TV to do his homework. He was good at being a fake…he was good at playing sweet, and happy…his mother fell for his fakes, and it hurt him that he was lying to her. He wanted her to know what he’s doing….but …he didn’t want her to know at the same time.
Down with the Sickness________________________________God…I‘m so screwed up in the head, sometimes I wonder if I should even be living…well unfortunately ….your keeping me alive…for reasons I have yet to think up of….Now that I am clearly insane…it‘s safe to know, sometime in the near future, I‘m going to be in an asylum….________________________________
Pathways Institute Accidentally leaving the door open one day, on a day Cale felt more lost, and hurt then ever at the discovery of his mother’s ‘job’, he had had it with life…and just wanted it to end. Recently, after finding the address to his mother’s job, wanting to see her, 13 year old Cale came face to face with a strip club.. And walking out side of said club was his mother. She caught sights on him just as he began to run with tears streaming his eyes. He was lied to…and it pained him all the more. He didn’t like to be lied to…
His mother ran after him, and that’s where everything started. Now, Cale found himself standing on his dresser, looking down with a rope around his head, attached to the ceiling lamp. He didn’t want to know, or even change his mind. “Cale…!!” his mother called out just as he allowed himself to fall softly, gagging slightly, but closed his eyes hoping to just die off faster. Liz walked into the room and gasped, crying as she hurriedly got her son out from the hanging position, despite his arguing. “Sto..stop” he mumbled weakly, as Liz held him tight against her on the ground. She caught sight of the wounds on his stomach, and drew up the shirt to see it more….and more....and just burst into more tears….she couldn’t believe what she was looking at. Her son….the one who was ‘happy’ scared, cut, and attempting to even kill himself….all that could come out of her mouth was “Sorry…” that’s all she could say as Cale blacked out against her.
Why didn’t you let me go…?
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I…like white a lot, but this is ridiculous…I forgot how long I‘ve been sitting in this white room, but….do doctors actually expect a patient to get better by sitting in a white room…? Then they‘re more insane then I am…Oh look, here‘s the same bitchy nurse with food…god I can‘t remember the last decent meal I had in here. Oh dear mother, why didn‘t you let me go that day? And a better question…why allow one of you “costumers” advice you into putting me in this shit hole? Seriously mother….I thought you were smart….I thought you‘d actually let me die….oh how foolish…Urgh this food is nasty, I ought to…wait…I will…
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Even with the jacket hugging his arms close at his side, Cale managed to knock out yet another nurse. He was pissed off, and wanted out. It’s been more then a year ago that he was placed in this hell hole in order to get ‘better’ he hated his mother now, hated how she didn’t visit to bring him better good. The poor kid was going to die of starvation, or the food itself was going to kill him. He didn’t get this place, the doctors constantly saying all this was for his own good, but Cale was smarter, this place was hell hole, and he didn’t need to be here, he could think straightly, just didn’t want to. Growling as the guards of the place filled into his holding cell, Cale leant against the wall and allowed them to inject him with something that made him sleep…he wanted it. It was the closest thing to pain he could feel with out the use of blades which obviously he didn’t have. The teen wanted nothing more then to tear heads apart, but not even that he could do. With the straight jacket keeping him confined tightly.
Hours later the youth woke up to find the lights out. Ah, night time, how he loved it. It was a brake from the bright lights that annoyed the crap out of him. He sat up against the corner, and sighed as he looked up to the bared-up window, where the moon spilled in and flowed over his pale expression. The young one was sad…depressed even more and wanted out. All he wanted to do was get out.
Are you Ready?________________________________I‘ll find a way out of here…I know it. Even if they keep me locked up, I find my way out of this stupid place, smack they‘re heads, and make them spin as I walk out that exist like I was the f**king owner. They can‘t keep me caged in here…it‘s driving me more mad….they thought I was insane…wait till they try and deal with me by morning…I‘ll make them go insane themselves….
Mother….I hate you….die already….________________________________
Glaring at the door as the lights turned on, Cale did nothing as they placed the tray of food in front of him, and readied to feed him. The male nurse, this time, put the fork in front of his mouth, but Cale quickly tilted his head and bit the nurse on his hand…hard, and kept himself there, no matter how many times he was hit to let go. He finally pulled away, licking the blood that stained his lips from the nurses wound, and grinned evilly as he did so, his pale blue eyes darkening ever so lightly. “Thanks…” he mumbled out, the nurse staring at him star struck as he got himself out of there. Cale simply leant against the wall again, and looked to the white wall. He grinned at what he had, and picked the locks behind him. It was so quick how he pulled that key from the nurse. Finally he was free from the shackles of the horrid straight jacket, and stood up, sighing happily as he did so.
The doctors walked through the doors, and Cale simply leant back against the white walls, and looked to them with narrowed eyes. “What? All I wanted was to be free….I’m not an animal to be tied up, even if I’m violent….I needed to stretch ya know” Cale spoke softly, the doctors looking at him angrily. He just grinned, and tried to see if he knew a way to even escape. One doctor took him by the arm, and was leading him out of the room. He knew where he was going. To the office besides the exist. Ah, how he loved his speedy memory.
Acting like he would go willingly, he smiled as the doctor seemed to loosen his grip, and slipped out of it the moment a guard walked through. Cale ran through the doors, quick. He was always quick, he was in a track team when he had a life. At the moment, he was merely a shell of broken emotions. They gave a good chase, Cale having to shake them off a few times, before ducking out into an abandoned building, there knowing he was safe. However, he still had his name band, and white cloths on. “Oh…f**k it” he mumbled under his breath, wondering around the abandoned building’s apartments as he ripped off the name tag around his wrist, tossing it to the ground. He walked into a room of an empty apartment, and pulled the drawer out to see cloths. Haven. He smiled happily, changing into a pair of black jeans, a red shirt, and keeping with what was on his feet…nothing.
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From street, to city, to street to home…that‘s how I find myself now, but it beats being in a white room for 12 hours of a day. I hate that I didn‘t steal some crash from that last person I walked by…oh well…better luck next time….I need to switch to another city, this one‘s too boring….I need to find a home…new cloths….I need a lot of things….I need a new, not old, not rusted razor…I‘m not looking to get an infection….I hate being sick…
Urgh it‘s so f**king cold….I can‘t deal with this, the suns just dropping, so…I might as well hang around some place…wait….where the hell am I…..
Oh my, oh dear. Where have I gone? It’s so silly of me to loose track of where I was heading. I wonder if I even find myself again. Doubt it however, I’m always lost, so I must get use to it, I guess. I got a name, but don’t think I’ll give it out so soon. The city before me, so dark, yet so welcoming. As I sit here in this tree…I wonder if I should even give a f**k and go into the city. I have a gut feeling that it isn’t as welcoming as I think it is…however…I can’t help myself…I need to find out. Well, curse my curiosity…here I go
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